Weird Shit Velcro – Stories About Navigating The Human Landscape

I have captivated all of my friends and family for many years with my dating and daily life stories. Thus, this blog is my opportunity to share these amusing and ridiculous anecdotes with anyone who is interested, bored with their life, passing time or just has the awesome, shit ass luck to run upon it by chance. If nothing else, you will be entertained…start with March 20 "You will be entertained….too good to make up."


Trying to find my smile while being a bad ass….

bad ass

For quite some time now I have truly believed that God hates me. My biological father was raised a Hindu and maybe there were too many bedtime stories about how one acts in this life determines how one’s next life turns out.   He used to say to me as he put me to bed at night “now if you aren’t a good girl in this life you will come back as a fly on a piece of shit in your next life” – fucked up I must admit but it did make me behave and try to be a good person and the sentiment stuck. I’m not sure what I believe but I do feel confident there is something bigger than me and us and I am quite convinced that I must have been a terrible criminal in a past life because the daily deluge of events that I encounter are something I couldn’t possibly conjure in my wildest imagination or nightmares. As a friend said years ago, “baby, you’re many things but bland isn’t one of them.” It’s never boring being me but it’s bizarre at best and I would take a few “boring” days right about now. That said, a friend sent me the above photo tonight and I felt compelled to finally write again.

I certainly have plenty of material. I always do. I spent the summer in Filthadelphia, which is what a friend from high school has termed Philadelphia. I didn’t understand it until this summer but he is most certainly right. But a verbal or written diatribe about that city is not necessary now nor do I want to revisit my experience there as I write. Suffice it to say it is the most inefficient city in the United States and it makes New Orleans look like a masterpiece of service and productivity and that is not an easy task.

It was a memorable yet blurry and busy the summer in Philadelphia with my aging, no old, parents.  The summer included:

  • 9 trips to the ER
  • 3 ambulances
  • 3 hospitalizations between the two of them
  • 1 live in “helper” who I LOVE
  • 107 interviews of potential “help”
  • 57 applicants who I tried to hire but failed after an hour or a day
  • 2 companies that I helped train their geriatric care giving “employees” for free
  • 1 owner who worked for me when her person didn’t show (she was fired – the helper that is)
  • 1 who stole
  • 1 who caused a flood
  • 1 who couldn’t fit through the baby gates (yes you read that right)
  • 1 with contagious athletes foot
  • 1 who brought a library
  • 1 I sent back to college
  • 1 who brought five bags and thought she was moving in – she lasted 3 hours
  • 2 who tried to sell me their family members when I thought I was interviewing them for the job
  • 27 who had better manicures than me (that was easy because I never got one – no time!)
  • 2 who had perfect highlights and manicures
  • all ate more meals than me
  • 3 who lost weight and became more healthy while working for me
  • many who said they cooked but none did
  • many who did their laundry but not ours
  • 1 who caused two falls
  • A 4 story house – working in one is very different than living in one
  • 3 baby gates
  • remediated two areas of black mold
  • replaced a roof and got historic permits
  • cleaned out 30 years of crap with my dog bed on the top – he died in 1990 so imagine what was underneath the pile…nothing worth saving!
  • spent over a month sleeping in chairs in hospitals.

Yes that pretty much sums up what I can remember at this time….on the upside I got down to a size 26 jean (size 0) and working in a 4 story house gets one in great shape!

So after looking at “assisted living facilities” (what a misnomer that phrase is) in a 100 miles radius and determining that I wouldn’t put my dead dog in any of them, much less parents I actually sort of love, I thought where do rich people go for good care to basically live out their lives and die? Where would I go if I had to stay in the United States? I wasn’t sure so I asked my 92 year old stepfather, king of the wasps. And he responded “Palm Beach”. So I decided to check it out. I had been thinking of moving to south Florida a year ago anyway and I do hate winter. Plus sick parents in a four story house? Forget it I thought….and if a geriatric can’t get good care in Palm Beach where can you?!

I did a two-day due diligence trip.  Visited nine places. Chose one. In ten days I chartered a jet, packed and shipped a car, convinced our “helper” who had never flown to fly with us, furnished an entire apartment and moved my parents. It was a remarkable, memorable, incredible and successful undertaking.

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Florida hasn’t been easy but it is so much better than Filthadelphia. And everything is soooo much better with palm trees! So today was my first day of optimism after sleeping once again in a hospital chair for several weeks….the upside is on it’s way and at least here I’ve found some nice people and people who actually do want jobs….such a novel and wonderful concept…’s to a warm, wonderful winter……and living on the beach!

The social landscape, however, may need some work as these are some of the choices….


I personally think that depressed people playing underwater hockey would be so much more interesting and probably therapeutic. Or mensa depressed people playing underwater hockey….now that would be a game to watch! Just a thought.


Slices of time…wrapping my arms around Philadelphia…and thank God for jazz fest despite the constant tornado watches and warnings, hail and of course the mud…

When I traveled around the world I realized that there are certain moments in time that are simply just that: Mere slices of infinity to be experienced for a few seconds, minutes or hours and hopefully seen as such and cherished. To acknowledge that one can have an exhilarating feeling and experience it for a second or hour(s) in eternity and that, in and of itself, when good and seen as such, is beautiful.  There are other moments that evolve into friendships, lovers or love and hopefully last forever. There are other instants when one will try to make them more than just that – a friendship that isn’t meant to be.  A relationship that will never be. How can one know the difference? I’ve been trying to distinguish over the past few years. I’m truly trying to enjoy the moment. Always. Smell the breeze, feel the flowers, see the shadows, breathe the sun and love each special and exceptional second in time. It’s not always easy and I am at times unsuccessful due to internal and external circumstances but sometimes it is just lovely and yes, easy.  Biking around Philadelphia today in the beautiful weather today reminded me how much I miss nature and being outside. It’s finally spring thankfully…and I have a new bike which, I must admit, I am super excited about. It provides a reprieve from life and sense of freedom to roam around Philadelphia and get to know a city in which I haven’t lived for almost two decades. And there is something to be said about perception being a large majority of one’s perspective of life…



Much awaited spring beauty in Philadelphia…


Last weekend I had the pleasure of going back to New Orleans and seeing a myriad of bands at jazz fest. Despite the continual tornado warnings /watches (I still don’t know the difference) it was amazing to be back in a city that I love and have some incredible moments with a few old friends and a few new ones.  My happy place in life is seeing great music and dancing hopefully with a few friends. Mission accomplished.


Getting photo bombed…

All Feet

Old friends…

Howlin Wolf with Jaret

Dead Feat: Anders Osborne, Bill Kreutzmann, Paul Barrere, Fred Tackett, Billy Iuso & John Gros – performing Grateful Dead & Little Feat


A new friend becoming blog worthy without knowing it…he really thought I was crazy asking him to out stretch his arms without explaining why…


An old friend and great music…




Fantastic gospel music!


Classic and perfect…words to live by…


Spring beauty in NYC…


A new friend today who looks oh so much like my dear love….Hugo…but this was Winston…


My reading material…


The dedication….I cannot say it any better. And good night!

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Living the un-teenage middle age non dream….or I’m living a high school do-over…Trying to make lemonade out of lemons…


This pretty much epitomizes my life at the moment. It’s pretty weird. I’ve just returned home from a Tinder date which as enticing as it may sound often isn’t. However, that said, this guy was cool, newly separated albeit naïve and mystified about me and life – ok mostly me – and his car had been towed when we came out of the restaurant. He was completely cool about it and it was a nice night off from taking care of “The Alzheimer’s patients” as I am lovingly calling my mother and stepfather these days. So…I haven’t written – yeah, yeah I know – you’ve heard it a lot recently…and there are many reasons I am sure BUT no one needs to read a blog about bitching.  People should, in my opinion, read things that are thought provoking or resonate with aspects of their lives that they haven’t thought about in the way they are being depicted. Thus, I haven’t felt inclined to write because frankly I’ve been semi-uninspired and I’ve been in bitch session, coping, dealing, barely dealing, sorting it out mode.

That’s not to say there hasn’t been interesting material to share but it’s just a new sort of material for me. Quite sadly my mother and stepfather both have Alzheimer’s. She is much worse than he recently and has declined at an extraordinarily rapid pace of late so it’s become quite a full time job to say the least. Who knew that old people could be so much work?!  Jeez, it’s like having toddlers who are drunk, make no sense and want to still drive. Disaster! So I am semi-living with them and I am having massive flashbacks of high school and why I went to college so far away.

There are interesting aspects as well and I am trying to enjoy my time with these two individuals with whom I have traveled throughout Europe for many years and hung out in jazz clubs until 4am even as recently as a couple of years ago when I was begging to go home. And they stayed out. So it may sound weird and for anyone who has an aging parent believe me I have a lot to teach you but when I showered with my mother for the first time a few weeks ago she commented on the fact that my boobs looked like they had gotten bigger. In fact, the conversation went as follows:

Mom: You know, your boobs look like they have gotten bigger.

Me:      No kidding? You think so?

Mom: Yes I really do.

Me: Well, it’s called a double mastectomy.

Mom: Really? You had a double mastectomy?

Me: Yes mother.

Mom:  Well they look quite fantastic! Who did your surgery?

Me:      My doctor at Sloan-Kettering.

Mom:  Really? I thought you had it done here?

Me:      No, at Sloan. You were there.

Mom:  Really? I don’t remember that. Well, they look fantastic!!

Me:      Thanks mother.

Awkward pause…probably only awkward for me….since we are naked in the shower and I am just trying to take it all in.

Mom: So are you going to wash my back or what N?

Me:      Yes, of course. Turn around.

As I obeyed and choked on soap a bit I smiled. I realized I would probably have this conversation a thousand times in the next several months since I have to coax my mother into the shower so I can wash her back and she can wash mine. I actually found the little spherical device that she used when I was a mere babe to wash my hair so that the soap didn’t go in my eyes. I tried using it on her last week. It’s a pretty weird when you are bathing your parent and she’s yelling that soap is getting in her eyes. But it’s all part of the story and, as many friends continually remind me, I should cherish these times as many people don’t have this opportunity. And I luckily do. Except for the fact that she did also bite me last week and fell and pulled me down with her like a rag doll. But I will never have these times again….so for now this is the human landscape that I am navigating with care and softness and patience and sadness….

A few recent things that touched me….a new friend who is moving into my building, true love and an alleged guide to my new life.

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I am trying to live with this in mind….


And, lastly, good night to a dear friend who was tragically killed in the train crash in Westchester, NY in February….I love you Eric. You will always be in my heart my dear, dear friend…..xoxo


Ode To The Fat Man….

My best friend died about seven weeks ago and I lost a bit of my heart and soul. He had four legs, an incredibly cute wiggle and gave me a reason to get out of bed every day. I would not have survived cancer without Hugo and frankly its hard to survive without him. I never understood the love that an animal could bring to one’s life until I met this dog. He was special in every way. That is not to say he was easy. He was not. He was stubborn and needy to the core. I had 50 stitches in my face as a result of an encounter 6 months into his life but thankfully I had a great friend who knew an even greater plastic surgeon. But he was so amazing and incredibly smart and taught me more about patience and unconditional love than anyone or thing ever has. And that went both ways. And I will forever be grateful. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will never wrap my arms around that cute body or scratch his tush again. His nickname was The Fat Man. And I know I will always miss him. I cry every day but I hope one day that does stop.

I haven’t written in quite a while. Partly because shortly after I created weirdshitvelcro the weird shit in my life that stuck to me incrementally increased and partly because recently I haven’t felt inspired. Or moved by very much. That’s not to say that I haven’t had a ton of interesting experiences, toe dipping back into careers of past with characters galore, crazy dates that should inspire stories but the story is often the same and thus becomes mundane.

New York has become, well, stale to me. I have decided to move on. My life here has ended and I need to leave before I end my life. I came, I saw, I did and I had success. Now, I feel as if the city has chewed me up and spat me out like a stale piece of fish. It’s all happened and it’s been great and fun and hard and easy and cold and hard and wrong and right and rigid and tough and silly and exuberant and excruciating and now I am done.

It’s a year later than I thought I would leave but sometimes things don’t happen when you think they will.

So the story continues…..and until I get inspired think GOOD SHIT VELCRO…and yes I bought the domain name a bit ago as I think this is what I need in life. Not weird but good as does everyone I know. Photos of the fat man….I miss you Hugo. Xoxo

DSC_0722Hugo Aug 2008CIMG0705CIMG0708CIMG1310

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Top Ten Things I learned via my dog…during the big “C” and after… If you know Hugo and my Hugo “voice” you have experienced. If you don’t but know me, you can imagine….if you don’t know me….well then just read and be…

10. You can make any place you live cozy.
9. It’s all just stuff.
8. People show their real colors during cancer.
7. Why wait?
6. Do everything!
5. Seek Peace.
4. Learn to meditate (still need to).
3. Get new people.
2. Climb to new heights.
1. Imagine…then be. And do it! (working on it…)

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Tindertown in NYC…what an expeditious way to date…anonymous but yet my world still collides….


I clearly haven’t written in quite some time….May 14 actually as it’s been pointed out via email by several friends, readers and strangers. That doesn’t mean that I am not writing but it just means that I am not necessarily sharing. I can’t possibly share all and I must leave some room for your imagination as well as an appetite for the real story of my life to come in some other more interesting format. In reality every time I leave my house there is actually an interesting/weird story or incident and if I were to share them all it would truly blow your mind. And it’s exhausting….being me. But I don’t think I would trade it…at least it’s all an adventure and all certainly part of the story.

I put myself on Tinder after two friends urged me to do so and I’ve had 10+ dates in two weeks. I’m not kidding actually. YUP more than 10. None great. Only one sort of horrific date – from New Orleans, looked like the Joker (not kidding – so wanted to take a photo), didn’t drink (from NOLA!!!) and super creepy and dodgy. I was happy to leave with all of my body parts. Following which the date thereafter knew my brother who had actually taken one of his Tinder pics and knew two friends and my old boss. The world it too small!!

Anyway, last week I had date with a guy who from the get go was not my “type” in any sort of way (not that I have one to be honest but this was clearly not going to be a romantic endeavor) and he chose a semi-seedy “rooftop bar” in mid-town west for us to have a drink. I wasn’t thrilled but decided to make the best of my mandatory 30 minutes. Next thing I knew, literally next to me a large projection screen was erected and, me being me, I decided to find out what it was all about. I walked up to the more than middle aged officiant and saw the word marijuana on the literature he was holding. Now, I was a bit tired so I said “that looks like the word marijuana on there” and he emphatically said “yes we are the Marijuana Business Association and we are having a “Meet Up” here. What luck I thought to myself! Could there be a better way to entertain myself while on a boring date but having a bunch of pot enthusiasts talking about legalizing marijuana in NY?! Fascinating. Budtender…hmmm I know a couple people who might like that job. You know who you are…


So there we were the only ones in the entire bar NOT there for the meet up event and, as we sat sipping cocktails listening to the Libertarian candidate who is running for Governor of NY speak, we both decided to use the event as a business opportunity. He got some potential financial business out of it and apparently will be sponsoring an event for the physicians they invite and, well, for me, it got me thinking about law, marketing and how much this exponentially growing industry will need both. Hmmmm so many thoughts. Still processing.  Quite a productive evening! Part One.

Part two, believe it or not I thereafter had a date with an ex-ad exec turned paramedic who lives in my hood. May as well pack them in back to back I say…and pot to a paramedic – it’s just too cliché! Anyway, it’s a numbers game. Or so I am told. One would think I would have surpassed the requisite number(s) by now! Can’t fault a girl for trying!

It was my bday this week so I thought I would share some of my favorite shots and sites from the last few months….my bday photo! Ahhh the Hudson Valley meets champagne and a dear friend!



Yeah you know it….


Who could need more?


LOVE THIS!!  Bring on the gluten!


Times Square people watching…classic encounter on my way to the theater….tip-worthy


And then there was the “red party” last week…don’t ask. Felt like a weird V-day party in August….but cool fish!


And let’s not forget all the great music from the last month or two….you hopefully remember this kid….


Dave Malone’s birthday party….



And lastly, friends who are on board with WSV….thank you!! You rock!! xo

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