Weird Shit Velcro – Stories About Navigating The Human Landscape

It’s incredible to be in a place where, although it’s exhausting and hard in almost every way, I am reminded that there are people who are intellectually stimulating and conversations are not vapid and void of ideas and life. It’s interesting to be back in a city that sort of ate me up and spit me out like many (although it took a decade and a half for me) but here my creativity thrives. Ideas come to the forefront of my mind. I feel motivated to be creative. I feel things that I haven’t felt in 5 long months in Florida and yet here it’s all normal and easy again. I feel a sense of me as I haven’t felt in a very long time. And it may be the city. And it may be simply having a small piece of reality again. It may be simply being amongst people who are intellectually more complex than those I’ve encountered of late. I could hypothesize forever but it’s nice to actually spend a few days in a fast paced city where my brain thrives and feels active, stimulated and it’s easy to think and create and easy in so many ways that I never thought I’d say about New York City. I miss the palm trees in Florida but fuck I do miss the energy and people here. And it makes me want to write!!! And that says it all. It’s soooo nice, oh so nice, to finally feel inspired. It’s been far too long…..

Below are some experiences and things that have spoken to me recently….and honestly who can resist Simon Le Bon or the beach…

and there was Rod and morning green juice….

I liked this piece…

The view doesn’t suck in Florida even though I feel stifled.

Yup…..

I honestly am not sure what this means but it spoke to me and I probably should take it in but I love to love with my eyes OPEN.

My purchase at Art Basil…..this is a mental work in progress but clearly I am here for some reason. I just can’t figure out why……God, I hope I figure out why soon…..xoxo to anyone who gave s shit to read this.

For quite some time now I have truly believed that God hates me. My biological father was raised a Hindu and maybe there were too many bedtime stories about how one acts in this life determines how one’s next life turns out.   He used to say to me as he put me to bed at night “now if you aren’t a good girl in this life you will come back as a fly on a piece of shit in your next life” – fucked up I must admit but it did make me behave and try to be a good person and the sentiment stuck. I’m not sure what I believe but I do feel confident there is something bigger than me and us and I am quite convinced that I must have been a terrible criminal in a past life because the daily deluge of events that I encounter are something I couldn’t possibly conjure in my wildest imagination or nightmares. As a friend said years ago, “baby, you’re many things but bland isn’t one of them.” It’s never boring being me but it’s bizarre at best and I would take a few “boring” days right about now. That said, a friend sent me the above photo tonight and I felt compelled to finally write again.

I certainly have plenty of material. I always do. I spent the summer in Filthadelphia, which is what a friend from high school has termed Philadelphia. I didn’t understand it until this summer but he is most certainly right. But a verbal or written diatribe about that city is not necessary now nor do I want to revisit my experience there as I write. Suffice it to say it is the most inefficient city in the United States and it makes New Orleans look like a masterpiece of service and productivity and that is not an easy task.

It was a memorable yet blurry and busy the summer in Philadelphia with my aging, no old, parents.  The summer included:

• 9 trips to the ER
• 3 ambulances
• 3 hospitalizations between the two of them
• 1 live in “helper” who I LOVE
• 107 interviews of potential “help”
• 57 applicants who I tried to hire but failed after an hour or a day
• 2 companies that I helped train their geriatric care giving “employees” for free
• 1 owner who worked for me when her person didn’t show (she was fired – the helper that is)
• 1 who stole
• 1 who caused a flood
• 1 who couldn’t fit through the baby gates (yes you read that right)
• 1 with contagious athletes foot
• 1 who brought a library
• 1 I sent back to college
• 1 who brought five bags and thought she was moving in – she lasted 3 hours
• 2 who tried to sell me their family members when I thought I was interviewing them for the job
• 27 who had better manicures than me (that was easy because I never got one – no time!)
• 2 who had perfect highlights and manicures
• all ate more meals than me
• 3 who lost weight and became more healthy while working for me
• many who said they cooked but none did
• many who did their laundry but not ours
• 1 who caused two falls
• A 4 story house – working in one is very different than living in one
• 3 baby gates
• remediated two areas of black mold
• replaced a roof and got historic permits
• cleaned out 30 years of crap with my dog bed on the top – he died in 1990 so imagine what was underneath the pile…nothing worth saving!
• spent over a month sleeping in chairs in hospitals.

Yes that pretty much sums up what I can remember at this time….on the upside I got down to a size 26 jean (size 0) and working in a 4 story house gets one in great shape!

So after looking at “assisted living facilities” (what a misnomer that phrase is) in a 100 miles radius and determining that I wouldn’t put my dead dog in any of them, much less parents I actually sort of love, I thought where do rich people go for good care to basically live out their lives and die? Where would I go if I had to stay in the United States? I wasn’t sure so I asked my 92 year old stepfather, king of the wasps. And he responded “Palm Beach”. So I decided to check it out. I had been thinking of moving to south Florida a year ago anyway and I do hate winter. Plus sick parents in a four story house? Forget it I thought….and if a geriatric can’t get good care in Palm Beach where can you?!

I did a two-day due diligence trip.  Visited nine places. Chose one. In ten days I chartered a jet, packed and shipped a car, convinced our “helper” who had never flown to fly with us, furnished an entire apartment and moved my parents. It was a remarkable, memorable, incredible and successful undertaking.

Florida hasn’t been easy but it is so much better than Filthadelphia. And everything is soooo much better with palm trees! So today was my first day of optimism after sleeping once again in a hospital chair for several weeks….the upside is on it’s way and at least here I’ve found some nice people and people who actually do want jobs….such a novel and wonderful concept…..here’s to a warm, wonderful winter……and living on the beach!

The social landscape, however, may need some work as these are some of the choices….

I personally think that depressed people playing underwater hockey would be so much more interesting and probably therapeutic. Or mensa depressed people playing underwater hockey….now that would be a game to watch! Just a thought.

When I traveled around the world I realized that there are certain moments in time that are simply just that: Mere slices of infinity to be experienced for a few seconds, minutes or hours and hopefully seen as such and cherished. To acknowledge that one can have an exhilarating feeling and experience it for a second or hour(s) in eternity and that, in and of itself, when good and seen as such, is beautiful.  There are other moments that evolve into friendships, lovers or love and hopefully last forever. There are other instants when one will try to make them more than just that – a friendship that isn’t meant to be.  A relationship that will never be. How can one know the difference? I’ve been trying to distinguish over the past few years. I’m truly trying to enjoy the moment. Always. Smell the breeze, feel the flowers, see the shadows, breathe the sun and love each special and exceptional second in time. It’s not always easy and I am at times unsuccessful due to internal and external circumstances but sometimes it is just lovely and yes, easy.  Biking around Philadelphia today in the beautiful weather today reminded me how much I miss nature and being outside. It’s finally spring thankfully…and I have a new bike which, I must admit, I am super excited about. It provides a reprieve from life and sense of freedom to roam around Philadelphia and get to know a city in which I haven’t lived for almost two decades. And there is something to be said about perception being a large majority of one’s perspective of life…

Much awaited spring beauty in Philadelphia…

Last weekend I had the pleasure of going back to New Orleans and seeing a myriad of bands at jazz fest. Despite the continual tornado warnings /watches (I still don’t know the difference) it was amazing to be back in a city that I love and have some incredible moments with a few old friends and a few new ones.  My happy place in life is seeing great music and dancing hopefully with a few friends. Mission accomplished.

Getting photo bombed…

Old friends…

Dead Feat: Anders Osborne, Bill Kreutzmann, Paul Barrere, Fred Tackett, Billy Iuso & John Gros – performing Grateful Dead & Little Feat

A new friend becoming blog worthy without knowing it…he really thought I was crazy asking him to out stretch his arms without explaining why…

An old friend and great music…

Mud!!

Fantastic gospel music!

Classic and perfect…words to live by…

Spring beauty in NYC…

A new friend today who looks oh so much like my dear love….Hugo…but this was Winston…

My reading material…

The dedication….I cannot say it any better. And good night!

This pretty much epitomizes my life at the moment. It’s pretty weird. I’ve just returned home from a Tinder date which as enticing as it may sound often isn’t. However, that said, this guy was cool, newly separated albeit naïve and mystified about me and life – ok mostly me – and his car had been towed when we came out of the restaurant. He was completely cool about it and it was a nice night off from taking care of “The Alzheimer’s patients” as I am lovingly calling my mother and stepfather these days. So…I haven’t written – yeah, yeah I know – you’ve heard it a lot recently…and there are many reasons I am sure BUT no one needs to read a blog about bitching.  People should, in my opinion, read things that are thought provoking or resonate with aspects of their lives that they haven’t thought about in the way they are being depicted. Thus, I haven’t felt inclined to write because frankly I’ve been semi-uninspired and I’ve been in bitch session, coping, dealing, barely dealing, sorting it out mode.

That’s not to say there hasn’t been interesting material to share but it’s just a new sort of material for me. Quite sadly my mother and stepfather both have Alzheimer’s. She is much worse than he recently and has declined at an extraordinarily rapid pace of late so it’s become quite a full time job to say the least. Who knew that old people could be so much work?!  Jeez, it’s like having toddlers who are drunk, make no sense and want to still drive. Disaster! So I am semi-living with them and I am having massive flashbacks of high school and why I went to college so far away.

There are interesting aspects as well and I am trying to enjoy my time with these two individuals with whom I have traveled throughout Europe for many years and hung out in jazz clubs until 4am even as recently as a couple of years ago when I was begging to go home. And they stayed out. So it may sound weird and for anyone who has an aging parent believe me I have a lot to teach you but when I showered with my mother for the first time a few weeks ago she commented on the fact that my boobs looked like they had gotten bigger. In fact, the conversation went as follows:

Mom: You know, your boobs look like they have gotten bigger.

Me:      No kidding? You think so?

Mom: Yes I really do.

Me: Well, it’s called a double mastectomy.

Mom: Really? You had a double mastectomy?

Me: Yes mother.

Mom:  Well they look quite fantastic! Who did your surgery?

Me:      My doctor at Sloan-Kettering.

Mom:  Really? I thought you had it done here?

Me:      No, at Sloan. You were there.

Mom:  Really? I don’t remember that. Well, they look fantastic!!

Me:      Thanks mother.

Awkward pause…probably only awkward for me….since we are naked in the shower and I am just trying to take it all in.

Mom: So are you going to wash my back or what N?

Me:      Yes, of course. Turn around.

As I obeyed and choked on soap a bit I smiled. I realized I would probably have this conversation a thousand times in the next several months since I have to coax my mother into the shower so I can wash her back and she can wash mine. I actually found the little spherical device that she used when I was a mere babe to wash my hair so that the soap didn’t go in my eyes. I tried using it on her last week. It’s a pretty weird when you are bathing your parent and she’s yelling that soap is getting in her eyes. But it’s all part of the story and, as many friends continually remind me, I should cherish these times as many people don’t have this opportunity. And I luckily do. Except for the fact that she did also bite me last week and fell and pulled me down with her like a rag doll. But I will never have these times again….so for now this is the human landscape that I am navigating with care and softness and patience and sadness….

A few recent things that touched me….a new friend who is moving into my building, true love and an alleged guide to my new life.

I am trying to live with this in mind….

And, lastly, good night to a dear friend who was tragically killed in the train crash in Westchester, NY in February….I love you Eric. You will always be in my heart my dear, dear friend…..xoxo

My best friend died about seven weeks ago and I lost a bit of my heart and soul. He had four legs, an incredibly cute wiggle and gave me a reason to get out of bed every day. I would not have survived cancer without Hugo and frankly its hard to survive without him. I never understood the love that an animal could bring to one’s life until I met this dog. He was special in every way. That is not to say he was easy. He was not. He was stubborn and needy to the core. I had 50 stitches in my face as a result of an encounter 6 months into his life but thankfully I had a great friend who knew an even greater plastic surgeon. But he was so amazing and incredibly smart and taught me more about patience and unconditional love than anyone or thing ever has. And that went both ways. And I will forever be grateful. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will never wrap my arms around that cute body or scratch his tush again. His nickname was The Fat Man. And I know I will always miss him. I cry every day but I hope one day that does stop.

I haven’t written in quite a while. Partly because shortly after I created weirdshitvelcro the weird shit in my life that stuck to me incrementally increased and partly because recently I haven’t felt inspired. Or moved by very much. That’s not to say that I haven’t had a ton of interesting experiences, toe dipping back into careers of past with characters galore, crazy dates that should inspire stories but the story is often the same and thus becomes mundane.

New York has become, well, stale to me. I have decided to move on. My life here has ended and I need to leave before I end my life. I came, I saw, I did and I had success. Now, I feel as if the city has chewed me up and spat me out like a stale piece of fish. It’s all happened and it’s been great and fun and hard and easy and cold and hard and wrong and right and rigid and tough and silly and exuberant and excruciating and now I am done.

It’s a year later than I thought I would leave but sometimes things don’t happen when you think they will.

So the story continues…..and until I get inspired think GOOD SHIT VELCRO…and yes I bought the domain name a bit ago as I think this is what I need in life. Not weird but good as does everyone I know. Photos of the fat man….I miss you Hugo. Xoxo

10. You can make any place you live cozy.
9. It’s all just stuff.
8. People show their real colors during cancer.
7. Why wait?
6. Do everything!
5. Seek Peace.
4. Learn to meditate (still need to).
3. Get new people.
2. Climb to new heights.
1. Imagine…then be. And do it! (working on it…)

I clearly haven’t written in quite some time….May 14 actually as it’s been pointed out via email by several friends, readers and strangers. That doesn’t mean that I am not writing but it just means that I am not necessarily sharing. I can’t possibly share all and I must leave some room for your imagination as well as an appetite for the real story of my life to come in some other more interesting format. In reality every time I leave my house there is actually an interesting/weird story or incident and if I were to share them all it would truly blow your mind. And it’s exhausting….being me. But I don’t think I would trade it…at least it’s all an adventure and all certainly part of the story.

I put myself on Tinder after two friends urged me to do so and I’ve had 10+ dates in two weeks. I’m not kidding actually. YUP more than 10. None great. Only one sort of horrific date – from New Orleans, looked like the Joker (not kidding – so wanted to take a photo), didn’t drink (from NOLA!!!) and super creepy and dodgy. I was happy to leave with all of my body parts. Following which the date thereafter knew my brother who had actually taken one of his Tinder pics and knew two friends and my old boss. The world it too small!!

Anyway, last week I had date with a guy who from the get go was not my “type” in any sort of way (not that I have one to be honest but this was clearly not going to be a romantic endeavor) and he chose a semi-seedy “rooftop bar” in mid-town west for us to have a drink. I wasn’t thrilled but decided to make the best of my mandatory 30 minutes. Next thing I knew, literally next to me a large projection screen was erected and, me being me, I decided to find out what it was all about. I walked up to the more than middle aged officiant and saw the word marijuana on the literature he was holding. Now, I was a bit tired so I said “that looks like the word marijuana on there” and he emphatically said “yes we are the Marijuana Business Association and we are having a “Meet Up” here. What luck I thought to myself! Could there be a better way to entertain myself while on a boring date but having a bunch of pot enthusiasts talking about legalizing marijuana in NY?! Fascinating. Budtender…hmmm I know a couple people who might like that job. You know who you are…

So there we were the only ones in the entire bar NOT there for the meet up event and, as we sat sipping cocktails listening to the Libertarian candidate who is running for Governor of NY speak, we both decided to use the event as a business opportunity. He got some potential financial business out of it and apparently will be sponsoring an event for the physicians they invite and, well, for me, it got me thinking about law, marketing and how much this exponentially growing industry will need both. Hmmmm so many thoughts. Still processing.  Quite a productive evening! Part One.

Part two, believe it or not I thereafter had a date with an ex-ad exec turned paramedic who lives in my hood. May as well pack them in back to back I say…and pot to a paramedic – it’s just too cliché! Anyway, it’s a numbers game. Or so I am told. One would think I would have surpassed the requisite number(s) by now! Can’t fault a girl for trying!

It was my bday this week so I thought I would share some of my favorite shots and sites from the last few months….my bday photo! Ahhh the Hudson Valley meets champagne and a dear friend!

Yeah you know it….

Who could need more?

LOVE THIS!!  Bring on the gluten!

Times Square people watching…classic encounter on my way to the theater….tip-worthy

And then there was the “red party” last week…don’t ask. Felt like a weird V-day party in August….but cool fish!

And let’s not forget all the great music from the last month or two….you hopefully remember this kid….

Dave Malone’s birthday party….

And lastly, friends who are on board with WSV….thank you!! You rock!! xo

“There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is.” ― Albert Einstein,

“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” ― Albert Einstein, The World As I See It    

There are no coincidences…it’s all happening for a reason.  That’s what I keep telling myself. I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in 14 years last night randomly as I walked into a restaurant on the spur of the moment…the same restaurant which is located in the exact same spot where I applied for a job at Club Med when I was 22.  Last year, I sat in the exact same seat in which I interviewed for my Club Med job, now that it’s a restaurant, and planned my departure from NYC.  Today I ran into another old friend from college on the street in midtown who I haven’t seen in 14 years…..both of these people live in LA and work in the entertainment business. A business which I still entertain the thought of re-entering…..so what’s the reason? There must be a reason….something to ponder. What are the reasons why things are happening in your life? Good, bad, interesting, mundane. Think about it. 

Below is something that I came across that just makes me laugh every time I read it. And I love Christmas! Happy humpday. What a weird phrase….

Back from a long weekend in Boulder and listening to the song “Fly Away” by John Denver (solo) for the first time and boy it resonates. I am also wondering if this is why my two recurring dreams that I have had since I was a child end with me running in a grassy area, literally taking off with my arms outstretched (think airplane) and flying above all the trees and looking down at the beauty of nature. Ahhh how I miss nature.  I hiked up Mount Sanitas this weekend during the only few hours of sunshine Boulder had this weekend and it was amazing!

It’s come to me on many occasions recently that firsts are (generally) the best. Your first real kiss. Ever. For me, it happened while at tennis/golf camp in NH (now you get a sense of my upbringing and I picked it) – age 12. I was there to kick the shit out of some tennis balls. Peter was 13 – he was there for tennis too.  Both of us were from outside of Philadelphia. Competing schools. Odd how that happened in retrospect. And Steve was my first real crush. He was also 13. Yes I know I just said I kissed Peter but you will understand when you read the next paragraph.  Steve happened to live in Rhode Island and my mom happened to have just started dating someone who I liked a whole lot better after I learned he had a summer house in, coincidentally, Rhode Island.  And my 12 year old self decided that Steve was the cutest, most incredible guy ever and was going to be the first person I ever slept with. And he was. Again read on for the age. Don’t get crazy. And anyone who knows me knows that I only use the first letter of people’s names in this blog but yes those are their real names.  

Anyway, yes back to firsts.  Your first whiff of your lover’s scent. A first kiss with someone you really care about.  A first kiss with someone you know you are never going to ever really care about.  Or my first kiss with the one I loved long before we ever, ever kissed.  Your first love.  Your first concert. Mine was The Police Synchronicity Tour. Dating myself maybe but I was 12. Do the math. Whatever. Really intense first eye contact with someone you don’t know. The first time you drove. Nantucket for me – stick shift on dirt roads at the age of 9.  The first time you had sex.  I was 17, almost 18 (yes Steve).  Late bloomer among my friends. Still am apparently. Only in the traditional ways. The first, and in my case, only, time I got (or will have) cancer.  Since it was caught by accident and was early, it actually was a good first.  

First dates. LOTS of first dates.  Again.  Only two second dates. Where the hell is my last first date!!!  A first hug that lasted an hour. Who knew that could even happen?! But it did somewhat recently.  And it was truly incredible.   And easy. But, as I have said, perception is a fascinating thing.  Maybe I just needed a really great hug that day and that’s all it was after our first great, sunny day in New York.  Maybe not. Who knows and I probably will never find out.  Father and son simultaneous pick up attempt this past weekend at the St. Julien. The son was a very recent college graduate – it was CU graduation weekend which is why I was there – Eric Stough was the keynote speaker.  I was the ball in their testosterone tennis match.  Kid thought I was 24, then 26 max (nice but a little ridiculous) and I don’t think the father cared about my age but I was a good bit younger than he.

My first time in a legal, recreational pot dispensary in Colorado. Now that was really fascinating….take a number, hang out in the waiting room on the couch with regular looking people and even a family with a grandmother, mother with a Channel bag and preppy flats and her maybe 20 year old daughter all shopping together and making it a family affair.  Well it actually was the day before Mother’s Day. Maybe they were buying gifts.  When my number was called, my friend Steff and I walked into the back room which was essentially a store with a few stations.  Very knowledgeable staff and the selection was quite diverse – bud of course and every product type had a variety of strengths. Now even though I have smoked my fair share and ate some candy to get though chemo, I am not well versed in THC milligrams. There were different strength pills. Different strength candy bars in Oreo cookie and a variety of other flavors. Hard candy came in 10, 25 and 50mg. Drops in five flavors – watermelon, plain, spearmint, vanilla and cinnamon – I was paying attention.  It was quite an operation.   Now I understand Rocky Mountain High even better.

Back in the loneliest city in the world.  First night sitting on a chaise on my terrace drinking port I brought back from Lisbon under an almost full moon in the warm weather though which is so great.  Boulder was beautiful but snow and hail in May is fucking absurd.  But NYC doesn’t feel right either. For more than a night or two.

Self pep talk….

Need to fly.

Before I die.

Here amongst the cement.

But where?

Want to see the ocean.

Put my feet in the sand.

Hear the waves ripple.

And climb up a canyon.

Want a partner.

But how? 

If I move he will come.

Life is so short.

I need to make it happen.

My work motto – There is never no…there is only how. And that’s NOW.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE as it says below……OFTEN! Well, I’ve got two outa three. I am on my way!