Weird Shit Velcro – Stories About Navigating The Human Landscape

I have captivated all of my friends and family for many years with my dating and daily life stories. Thus, this blog is my opportunity to share these amusing and ridiculous anecdotes with anyone who is interested, bored with their life, passing time or just has the awesome, shit ass luck to run upon it by chance. If nothing else, you will be entertained…start with March 20 "You will be entertained….too good to make up."


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The Inventory – Chapter 1 of my dating book…

I have captivated all of my friends and family for many years with my dating and daily life stories.  Thus, this blog is my opportunity to share these amusing and ridiculous anecdotes with anyone who is interested, bored with their life, passing time or just has the awesome, shit ass luck to run upon it by chance. If nothing else, you will be entertained… 

Dating in New York. You might think that it is all fun and games. Games maybe. But fun? I would have to say no at this juncture.  Sure I provide endless entertainment with my dating stories for my married friends.  Some are happily married. Most, I would say, are bored, have settled or are just simply unhappy. Many are getting divorced. They remind me that since I am in my late 30s, ok maybe early 40s (UHH) but I look like I’m in my 30s, that really I am just strategically bypassing my first divorce. Now that is a new way to look at it, I guess. Yes, I have left my sunny 30s.  Depressing?  Well, some days yes. But then again some days I look around at the choices I have, and those that friends have made, and I am quite happy, not content which to me connotes something negative, to come home, do what I want, when I want and sleep in the middle of the bed exactly how I want.

The most interesting thing is that I look at the people my friends have married and I am not envious of one. Ok well maybe one but he truly seems to be the most extraordinary person. Granted, I don’t have to live with him, but from what I hear from his wife he seems pretty great. First of all, he is from the South. So the Southern charm and manners come into play, which is usually a bonus. Not that some Northerners don’t have impeccable manners but there is something unique about the Southern man.   They met in med school at my alma mater Tulane.  For their first date he was so nervous he forgot to get cash that day and had to borrow money from a friend to take her out.  They got engaged within 6 months. I thought she was crazy, but I met him soon thereafter when he cooked a five-course meal for my arrival at their home. He even baked the bread. It was ridiculous!

His apartment, for a single guy, was quite well decorated. I did find out later that his mother had helped but so what?!! There was not a leather couch in sight! His father was his best man. The wedding was perfect. He made the curtains for their new house….and I swear he was not the LEAST BIT metro-sexual at all. After the first night when I stayed with them, I awoke to shirtless Steve, ironing his shirt and asking a bleary eyed me if he could do anything for me. Well, looking at his perfect abs I did have some thoughts but I refrained and said coffee would be great. I don’t even drink coffee but I couldn’t even think…I am not a morning person. Never will be.  When Steve left I asked my friend what was wrong with him.  I told her I was convinced there had to be something seriously wrong – was he bad in bed, had a terrible family, give me something to hold onto I said.  No one could be THIS perfect. She said no, he really was THIS perfect. Ok so that is the only one I might be slightly envious of.  They are still married, living back in the South with two beautiful children and both have successful careers as physicians. Damn.

My life, however, is filled with strange dating experiences. They have ranged from blind dates, to meeting people on planes (one of which turned out to be married I learned later and attacked me in the plane bathroom – not the mile high club but some kissing yes….more on that later), meeting in bathroom lines, parties, bars, restaurants, cabs, elevators, on the street, jury duty, work,  on-line dating, through friends, through strangers, movie premiers, the train, the subway, the metro in Paris, the tube in London, the gym, on vacation, on the beach, while on other dates, while interviewing, on a ferry, in the airport (a great place to meet by the way), on the chair lift, library, of course while in school, high school reunions, neighbors and when I lived in LA getting picked up in my car. Before the millennium I had a book written in my head entitled “Cars Not Bars, Dating In The Millennium.” Sounds silly but if you have ever lived in LA you understand. If not, it really doesn’t matter.  Most of my dates end up with nicknames. Let’s see, there was the “mint guy”, “the liar” (who later became a friend but since all my friends knew him as “the liar” his nickname stuck), “catch ya later Kenny”,  “the dumb guy”, “freeway guy” – you get the picture. Anyway, the other night I had perhaps what might be the most bizarre un-dating experience I think I have ever had. And believe me, I have had some doozies.

I wasn’t feeling particularly social but I went to meet a few friends at a restaurant bar because I haven’t seen them in ages.  My friend Janet picked me up in a cab and to the new sushi restaurant in midtown we went.  It was great to be out. Despite the fact that I work from home and usually have plans every night of the week, I hadn’t been out in a week or so and was feeling very out of the loop.  Anyway, immediately upon our arrival at said restaurant bar I met a man, no I have to call him a guy, named Ted. Ted, by his appearance, seemed like a nice, normal, somewhat preppy guy.  He was tall, brown hair with a little salt and pepper, blue shirt, blue blazer, grey trousers. Couldn’t see the shoes although I have always thought shoes do say a lot about a person. He was eager to have me sit next to him and get rid of the people who were taking up what would soon become my prime real estate.  I sat down in the seat next to Ted with my girlfriend on the other side. We did the polite mutual introductions and then he and I started talking.  He seemed intelligent. Always a good quality. Mandatory for me.  You will understand when I tell you about the “dumb guy”.  He was well spoken and we hit it off.  His looks were not particularly striking or handsome but there was something about his eyes that intrigued me.  A bit of a sparkle.

I did the typical NY/LA/American repertoire of asking where he was from, schools he attended and what he currently does for a living.  Now unlike most of my counterparts, I really don’t care what someone does. Do I want them to have a job? Yes.  Do they have to have a somewhat normal job? That is subjective of course but to me it means that they are gainfully employed full time. I decided a few years back that I am too old for this starving actor/musician/finding himself in his mid-30s kind of guy. Doesn’t sound like I am asking too much but give me a starving actor/painter/musician and they will fall in love with me….so NOT my type. I just don’t get it. Sorry if that offends anyone but only one of us should be “finding ourselves” and these days that is me.   Anyway, this one, Ted, appeared to be gainfully employed although he was very evasive about what he actually did. He did inform me that he was golfing that day in Florida, had a breakfast meeting the next morning in NY (which is why he came home) and was going back to Florida the following day to give a speech to a bunch of bankers.  So he thinks he is a big deal. I let it go and stop asking questions about his work. He tells me that these types of questions bore him and that I should ask things that are more personal, things I really want to know.

Now since I was not drinking, because I am on antibiotics and recovering from a bad cold, I don’t have my “alcohol courage” or alcohol as a social lubricant so to speak. He is not drinking either – hung over he had told me.  So I ask him about his family. “All dead” he says. Huh, I start to wonder. My imagination takes over – did he kill them all?  No. I have been watching too much news.  Then it comes up that he is actually married but only because he has no family and wants to leave everything to this so-called best female friend if he should meet his maker unexpectedly. Now I start to think this is a bit strange but I roll with it. I figure he is interesting and my friends are busy talking to a bunch of loud, unhappily married New York men (one of which ends up kissing one of my not so single friends).  I ask if they live together. He says no and mentions that if he meets someone this contract can be dissolved in an instant.  I am more intrigued.  He asks me if I have ever been married and I reply no.  What am I waiting for he asks. I am waiting for the “right” guy.  What is the “right” guy he asks and says directly that maybe HE is the right guy.  I reply “you never know.”  We talk for about 45 minutes or so although I really didn’t pay much attention to the time. He gives me a few back handed compliments and continuously asks me to take a walk with him.  I say that although it sounds like a nice idea, I would like a rain check.  He gently rubs my back as I lean against the bar. It feels pretty good so I let him continue. He asks what I like to do on the weekend. I reply that I like to go to the theater, horseback ride, play tennis in the summer and go to the beach although I avoid the Hamptons.  He hates the Hamptons too. In fact, he says he prefers to go somewhere where there are no New Yorkers.  I say I actually agree. We both like living here but like to get away from the bad attitude that often permeates the landscape of the city.  He asks if I ever just do nothing on the weekend. I reply that I love to do nothing but I tell him that it is much more fun to do nothing with someone than doing nothing alone. He agrees. I say that I did nothing last weekend and had we known each other we could have done nothing together. He smiles.

At this point he has pulled out his credit card to pay his bill. “Leaving so soon?” I ask.  “Not sure” he says – “could go either way” he says looking into my eyes. I smile.  The conversation continues.  At one point my friend Janet interjects and asks what we are talking about. Ted responds that we are getting married. “Really?”  I say in unison with Janet. Yes he says – he explains to Janet that we had early issues in our conversation which we successfully talked through which is important, we have some things in common and we have some sort of instant connection and we are flirting.  I ask where are we getting married. He responds that he doesn’t care. That the marriage is more important than the wedding. GREAT answer.  I have never been one for big, fancy weddings. He says it should be private between two people in love and no one else. I somewhat agree but say that I must have my mom there, as we are quite close (even though she drives me absolutely crazy sometimes). He agrees. The deal is done.  Janet smiles in a knowing way that obviously we have hit it off.  She tells him that she has never, in seven years of friendship, seen me talk to someone I just met this intensely.  I might have to agree I think silently.

While Janet is talking to Ted with me in the middle I ask him if he will leave if I run to the ladies room as I have been holding “it” for quite a long while so I could speak to him. He says he will escort me and get his coat so he can leave.  I go to the ladies room and come out and he is outside the bathroom waiting. He asks for my card and I give him one and I ask if he has one (not that I would ever call him because I don’t call guys generally) and he says no. Typical man I think.  I then offer to walk outside with him.  Something I never do – talk to a stranger the entire evening and walk him to a cab? We exchange niceties about how great it was to meet each other etc…and I wish him luck with his speech and shake his hand.  He leans in for a kiss and I try to position myself so he kisses my cheek but he instead holds my face with his hands and gives me a soft kiss on the lips. Ok kind of inappropriate I think but also kind of nice at the same time.  I smile, say good-bye yet again and walk inside.

I left the bar soon thereafter and got home to find a very sweet email in my in box.  To which I responded with what I thought was appropriate and nice. I talk to a friend on the phone and tell her about my night and say that I met Ted who seemed like a great guy but something seemed a bit “off:” about him given our conversation. I can’t put my finger on it.  She tells me to trust my instincts as they are usually right.  I shrug it off and go to sleep with a smile thinking I had met a truly nice, albeit slightly “off”/eccentric, guy.  The following morning I realize that he is truly nuts and thank god that I never even got to the point of going out with him. The following are the sequence of emails that transpired from my lovely evening when I met my potential husband to our subsequent break up much less than 24 hours later.

Tuesday, March 14 8:19 PM – He wrote

Hi N – Thanks so much for letting me get to know you a bit. Really appreciate it. Was so special that we talked through our rough start. That says a lot, don’t you think?

Wonderful of you to say that it would have been great to spend last weekend doing nothing together. Really appreciate your candor and of course the compliment–am very flattered.  Miss rubbing your back and laughing together. As much as I couldn’t stand being in that place at that time, it felt like we were in our own world.

Good night angel.

Lots of xoxoxos, Ted

Mobile: (917) 694-0000

Tuesday, March 14 10:21 PM – I wrote

Hi Ted –

It was a pleasure to meet you as well!  I didn’t last long after you left…wasn’t really feeling social tonight so it was nice to speak to you and get to know you a bit.  In fact, talking to you was very easy and comfortable in a strange sort of way.  And thank you for the rub!  I hope you have a good breakfast meeting and great trip to see Minnie and Mickey tomorrow.  Give a call when you have time so I can see if you give good phone! I will look forward to getting to know you a bit more….

Happy dreams!

xoN

Wednesday, March 15 4:13 AM – He wrote

So nice to wake up and have a message from you! I do hope you’re sleeping soundly. I was asleep within 15 minutes after getting home but now I am up. Boy do I wish you were right next to me so I could give you a squeeze and a kiss. Can’t believe you left shortly after I did! If we better coordinated the timing of our leaving, we would have made love this morning instead of typing away!

What’s your cell number?

Wednesday, March 15 8:29 AM – I wrote

I was sleeping soundly at that hour….are you one of those people who needs no sleep? Did you actually get up at 4:15AM? If so UHHHH! FYI – I rarely use my cell – I know I am one of those strange people but best place to reach me is the work # (I work from home).  And, for the record, I don’t ever go home with strangers – just not that girl sorry but it is a nice thought….thanks for the sweet emails! Have a great day!

Xo

Wednesday, March 15 8:39 AM – He wrote

Blah.

Wednesday, March 15 8:54 AM – I wrote

What does that mean? Or are you just an angry morning person b/c you have been up forever?

Wednesday, March 15 9:18 AM – He wrote

It means that how I’m feeling with this is that it’s not for me. Think it would be too much work for me and I won’t work when I’ve just met someone and there’s no foundation there. Want the foundation to come together effortlessly, and in this case it won’t. I know that for sure. Nobody’s fault.

Wednesday, March 15 9:18 AM – He wrote

I’ll be more specific about why I lost interest. It was the accumulation of a bunch of things. Here’s a partial list, going by memory, since I don’t have our emails in front of me. Again, nobody to blame. Just different approaches.

Rather than the “I don’t sleep with people on the first night” crapola, how about “You know, I thought it was great when I gave you my cheek and you took my lips. Really appreciate your being a man about it. Felt great. Would have loved to keep going but was concerned about stigma. Hope you understand.”

Rather than “Are you one of those people who doesn’t sleep?”, how about “How come up so early? Is everything okay?” Shows you care.

Frankly, I expected more from a 30 something year old!

Wednesday, March 15 10:14 AM – I wrote

Wow – talk about reading into things….how about I am not a morning person and just wanted to shoot you off a quick one before I got started on my back to back conference calls….sorry you don’t like my phrasing but I think your emails are completely unwarranted and frankly mean. I thought your email last night was adorable and I was truly looking forward to looking into those eyes again. You really shouldn’t judge people so incredibly harshly when you don’t even know them!  It was delightful to meet you, spend time with you and chat but to send me these types of emails are incredibly judgmental and frankly I am shocked!  To use your categorical phrasing – I would expect more of someone with your intelligence and savvy.  If that’s all it took for you to lose interest then it is most certainly your loss and I frankly feel sorry for you.  Regardless, I hope you have a good day and your speech goes well!

Wednesday, March 15 10:15 AM – I wrote

And also rereading your emails – yes your wording may have been better than mine but I cannot think clearly nor do I have the ability to be tactful sometimes in the AM – that is just me – never been a morning person not even when I used to get up at 4:30AM to skate. Just me. But still feel your judgment is unduly harsh but you are entitled to your opinion. Have to jump on a call as I am already late but wanted to respond.

Wednesday, March 15 10:43 AM – He wrote

Isn’t a rule of thumb that if a shoe doesn’t feel right the instant you try it on, don’t buy it?

Obviously you and I have some chemistry. But you’d have to agree that for whatever reasons, the rest is a mess.

Thank you for your good wishes. Same to you.

Sincerely,

Ted

Unbelievable — the exchange that I had had with this stranger, who knew me not at all. And all before noon!  I couldn’t make this up if I tried.  It was worse than the “Sex in the City” episode where Carrie gets broken up with on a Post It.  I got dumped by email before even being asked on a date after being proposed marriage!  Fascinating!  Such is my life.