Weird Shit Velcro – Stories About Navigating The Human Landscape

I have captivated all of my friends and family for many years with my dating and daily life stories. Thus, this blog is my opportunity to share these amusing and ridiculous anecdotes with anyone who is interested, bored with their life, passing time or just has the awesome, shit ass luck to run upon it by chance. If nothing else, you will be entertained…start with March 20 "You will be entertained….too good to make up."

The glow and the pot infused loaner…

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I have decided to treat New York as someone who knows they are leaving soon.  It’s so much better this way. Or maybe I am just getting my groove back. Tonight, three vastly different people tonight told me that I have a “glow” and that I look much better than I did last fall.  And I did not look good tonight – I didn’t even wash my hair today.  I am still thinking “shit I must have looked bad last year.” Food for thought but oh well. Went to the oncologist today and all looks good so far. Excellent. Or maybe that’s why I am glowing….hmmmmmm. Yup.

In the past week, I have learned the hard lesson of you know it’s time to not go back to your car dealer when….every time you take the car in they hit it or apparently, as evidenced by last weekend, even worse can potentially happen.

Last Saturday was hot. 95 degrees hot and I wondered what the heck happened to spring. Granted I have been away for a month but Jesus it got hot here fast.  Not a good sign for anti-global warming folks like my father.  I got in my “loaner” car to pick up Hugo who has been with my parents for five weeks. I figured he would either be really excited to see me or really pissed off.  The puppy is sooo much nicer on Prosac.  Anyway, before I left for CA my garage hit my car (AGAIN) so I left it with the dealer for four weeks to be fixed while I was away.  I had received a call the day I left that they had found an additional dent that had been “undetected” when I brought it in. Undetected my ass I muttered as I asked to have the service manager look at (and send which he never did) the security camera video because they photograph each car as it arrives.  I’ve been down this road before as they had hit said same car just last year when I brought it in. New. And then not.

Anyway, they dropped it off on Thursday and the paint was so off color that barely a glance was necessary to detect the inconsistency.  Based on my previous experiences, I told (yes not asked) said manager several times to make sure the car was perfect before it was returned.  Clearly he didn’t listen. Or didn’t care.  Again. Thus, they provided a loaner which was delivered with a quarter tank of gas. Barely. I managed to get to NJ, get gas and about 5 minutes later some lights on the dash started blinking. I had literally just wondered if the car wasn’t handling as well as it did before because I put in cheap gas – 87 instead of 93.  But according to the little handy computer, the right rear tire pressure went from 44 to 35 to 22 to 1. This is not happening I thought as I speedily slowed down in the middle of the trucking lanes.  Finally I got the car over to the shoulder and moved over to the passenger seat.  As I called 911 (as my car dealer roadside assistance was unresponsive) I noticed quite a bit of what appeared to be pot all over the rug and under the rug.  Let’s say A LOT. Not a small spill. I looked around on the seat beneath me and, yes, there was, more weed.

I was told that the only way to get help on the NJ Turnpike is from the state trooper. So I sat on the side of the highway for two hours trying to not get run over by the semis going by as I took pictures and then tried to get rid of all the pot in my lovely loaner. As you might imagine, I was in a great mood. All I could think is it would be just about my luck to get arrested while having a flat tire by Newark airport because of some stranger’s pot strewn all through my stupid loaner.  Needless to say, I think the trooper was so freaked out that I was crying by the time he arrived – yes it was 95 and I almost got killed several times in those two hours and the sun was starting to set so I was crying – that he greeted me, set me up with the tire changer who apparently took my AAA and my money and he promptly left. New tire. New loaner on the way and I was happy to get the hell off that highway.

Below is a gift I received today from a new CA friend….very sweet.



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